Adoption, IUI, Same Sex couple

Cate & Vanessa talk about their long journey to have a child. They discuss their IUI attempts as well as their experiences throughout the adoption process as a same sex couple. They share some great advice on how to navigate the world of adoption and for them why it was all worth it. 

Cate’s Story

We got together when we were 33. Then when we first got serious and moved in together, we decided that if we had children, we would want to start by 38. We weren't sure we definitely wanted children yet and so we just let it be for the first few years. Then Vanessa was working at a place that wasn’t a great fit and she wanted to make a change. I looked at her and I said, “We’re 38… We always said that if we were going to start a family that we’d start at 38. Why don't we take this time to start a family?” So she decided to try staying at home. I was still newer in business and unsure if we should be down to one income but it worked out really well having her home to take care of everything. It is the best thing that ever happened to my business.

 In the beginning, we found it all completely overwhelming because these days with two women, there are so many choices on how to have a baby. We were open to everything but our initial thought was Vanessa would try to get pregnant. We decided that we would use a sperm donor and went down that path. While Vanessa was a little anti-intervention, she was open to artificial insemination (“IUI”) and the medication for it. She didn't want to do in vitro fertilization (“IVF”) because she felt adoption was a good option too. We decided if IUI didn't work then we would consider adoption.  

We tried IUI until she turned 40. We did five attempts and then Vanessa said, “I don't want to continue anymore. I’d like to take a break.” We did one more try and then took a two-month break. Nobody talks about the fact that when you find out you're not pregnant after trying via IUI, it kind of feels like a miscarriage even if it is not. After the first round, Vanessa went through changes physically and we were positive she was pregnant. But at the end of the day she never was and we don't know how these physical changes happened since they didn't happen in the subsequent rounds.

Over those two months, we decided we wanted to adopt. There were challenges adopting as a same sex couple. The first was finding an adoption agency that was gay friendly. Some adoption agencies either would not adopt to same-sex couples or they were not friendly about it. You want it to be a good experience because these are people helping you with the largest thing in your life.

Actually, let me step back. I forgot about this part. We looked into private adoption with an attorney first. We even interviewed an attorney. But we decided to use an agency for a number of reasons. When using an attorney for a private adoption, you have to do so much more yourself. You have to find the birthmother and front all the expenses whether it works out or not. At the time — it might be a little different now — people put ads through the Internet and newspapers across the country and you work with your attorney to interview the mothers and get involved. I thought that sounded so overwhelming. We’d have to make all of these decisions by ourselves without guidance. But with an agency, all they do is adoptions. I thought, “Why shouldn’t we trust them to do the process?” So we decided that an attorney wasn't for us, the agency was and we went full that.

We had friends, a husband and wife, who had adopted. I don't know what her pregnancy story was but she gave us a lot of guidance and hand holding with what to do. We initially went to the agency that they used in a different state and there were a lot of same sex couples there. But then that agency stopped working in our state so we couldn't use them. We started again and ultimately found the HX Agency (“HX") through this same friend’s recommendation as she had friends who had used them. We just felt that we found the place to be.

When we began, we thought you just go, fill out an application and start. That's not the way it was at all. The very first thing you had to do was go to an information session before they would even take your application. The agency controls the supply and demand by limiting how many sessions they do. You get on a waiting list for an information session and wait. Then you go to the session and it's a two or three-hour process with them lecturing you about what it's like to adopt, how it could be fast or slow and what are all of the parameters. We went to that session knowing we were going to get the application that night and start it immediately. We were just waiting to get to get through that step so it didn’t matter what they said to us. We got the application and took it home.

The application was monstrous — maybe 74-75 pages — and it took a tremendously long time to do because you're writing narratives that go back to your own childhood, what you liked about it and what you would change. You had to talk about how you think you would discipline your future children. You had to have all your finances in there, get blood tests, and talk about your entire background. Once you finish the application, you write your first check, submit it and then wait.  

We were very naïve because once we got accepted, we thought to ourselves, “OK do we want to adopt domestically? Do we want to do it internationally? If so, what country do we want to adopt from?” We sat down with our social worker for our first interview where we talked about us, our preferences, and our goals. We told her about our conversations about where we might adopt and she said, “Oh. You don't actually get to pick whether you adopt domestically or internationally.” We said, “What do you mean?” She said, “Well, there are no countries that you can adopt from right now as a same sex couple. You can only do domestically.”

Since then, eight to nine years later, Colombia and South Africa have opened up to same sex couples in the United States and years ago there were other countries that were open but they've closed over the years. It moves like a pendulum. We were a little upset and angry at first. But we wanted to be in a system that wanted us, just as we had looked for our adoption agency, and not fighting a fight that wasn't our objective right now. Not that we couldn’t fight that fight, but our objective was to get a baby. We said, “OK, looks like we are going to do domestic adoption!” and we were very excited about it and it’s what we did.

The biggest thing I remember about going through this process with an adoption agency is that it felt like the theme was “Hurry up and wait.” Every decision you had to make, every piece of paper you had to turn in, every task, you hurried up with it because this paperwork was due or they needed an answer quickly. But, the moment it was done, you could do nothing but wait until the next thing happens. So you’re scrambling, scrambling, scrambling to get things done and then … nothing. There is silence for a long time. Then you get another task, you hurry, hurry, hurry, you do it and then nothing. You're trying to live your life while waiting for the phone to ring for the next step. It was incredibly hard.

I think the adoption process was harder for Vanessa though because I was still going to the office every day. Even though the adoption was important to me and was on my mind, I had other things to do that focused my attention in a different way. Whereas Vanessa was at home preparing it for a baby and … just waiting.

This is just my opinion but in the winter she would struggle with it the most. Vanessa is a very, very good gardener. It’s a passion of hers. From the spring when she starts gathering her flowers for the year through Christmas, she was fulfilled. She would garden, take care of the house, take care of me. I joked that she was like my manager. Everything was always perfect in the house and she would be fulfilled. Then January would come. The holidays are over, the Christmas decorations are put away, and it’s dead outside. There's no gardening to do and she's just in the house. January, February, March every year, she would say, “I think I’m going to go back to work. I should go back to work. But, how do I go back to work when they’ll know I’m only going to go back until I get the phone call?” She didn’t know what to do that would be that flexible. Then April would come around and she would be fulfilled again.

We had four “almosts” before we got our son. Going through the process of your home study and getting approved, it takes time. Afterward, we were on the waiting list but within two months of that, we got our first call. It was for a girl that was already born. I think her name was Wendy. They had thought they were going to place her with family but the family member fell through so they were looking for an adoptive family. They selected us as one of the families they were interested in. I got the call on the way to a networking event with my friend Penny. I couldn’t contain myself at first.

The first time you get a call you think. “This is it! This is happening!” But this particular family, the agency said was unique in that they picked four other families they were interested in so they were going through five family profiles. Usually, it’s two or three. We made the shortlist but we didn't make the final. It’s such a letdown when it happens. At this time, we were 41 and then there were three other “almosts” afterward. All of them were girls, which is funny now looking back. For a variety of reasons none of them worked out, two of which we were the ones who said, “No”.

I think it is important for people to know is that when you start the process and a social worker says to you, “We need to go through the different scenarios for which you might say ‘No’.” Your first response to that is, “There is no way that we would say ‘No’ to any baby.” When our social worker sat across from us at our table and asked us to go through those scenarios, we both looked at each other and said, “We will not say ‘No’ to anything. We will take any baby. We’re so excited for this.” She said “Oh no. There are probably some situations you might say ‘No’ to.” and she started listing them. It is a devastating conversation when you hear about what some babies and children have to go to through.

Remember when I mentioned how the theme with our agency was “Hurry up and wait”? Usually when they need you to make a decision, they’d call on maybe a Tuesday eight o'clock at night and say, “We need an answer at eight o’clock tomorrow morning.” Like you don't have time to process things. Yet for the first baby that we said “No,” to, the agency called on a Tuesday night at eight o’clock and we said, “We will take the baby. We’re good. We’re all in.” and the agency said, “No. This is serious and we need you to think about this and we don't want an answer for two days.” We looked at each other and said, “Wait a minute. We were totally in and they will not take our ‘Yes’?”

The baby was already born and appeared healthy. But the agency said with fetal alcohol syndrome the issues don’t come out until much later and because the biological mother drank so heavily during the pregnancy there would likely be serious issues with this child. For us, we thought, “Boy, that’s not the child's fault though.” The agency told us we needed to talk to a pediatrician before we could say “Yes.” We went to friends, family, a pediatrician, a trusted Doula and not one person told us that this was a risk that we should take. They said they’ve never seen a situation turn out positively with this background. These people advised us that it would be a very difficult life and the baby belonged with people who were equipped to handle special needs. Unless we wanted a special needs child, they recommended us to say no and so we did.

It was horrible to say “No.” You feel like a horrible person because you want a baby, you can have a baby, you're falling in love with this baby without even seeing her as you’re hearing her story and you want to protect her and do everything for her. But you try to follow the advice of the advisors you set up around you and nobody was wishy-washy with their answer. Everybody immediately said, “I would not recommend this. This is not a good idea.” It was hard. It was just as hard to say, “No.” as it was to be told “No.”

So that was the first situation we said “No,” to and then there was another situation when we said “No,” where we didn’t feel there was a lot of honesty coming from the birth family. A private attorney was going to agencies to try to place this family’s baby that was not born yet. Our social worker was the one who recommended not to pursue this situation because she thought in her experience it didn't seem like things were on the up and up.

At that point, it was February and our paperwork was due to renew our homestudy. You had to do all of your paperwork every year to renew it. In the first three years of the adoption process, we got those four cases — the first two we were denied, the second two, we turned down. They were spread out where coincidentally a few months would go by and we would get this one, another few months would go by and we’d get this one and so on. So, it's February, we turned down this baby, we renewed our homestudy and then an entire year went by where we didn't hear anything from the agency or the social worker. 12 months of silence.

Part of the problem with the waiting — especially when it’s that long ‑— is that your life is on hold. You can’t plan things, not even travel, because you are on call. This is your priority in life. You want a baby. Those 12 months were painful and it was making us think, “Okay, this isn’t happening. What’s next in our lives? What are we going to do?”

We also started thinking we need to start exploring other avenues, a Plan B. I started looking at older kids that were sibling groups across the country. We started pursuing some of those adoption opportunities even though we really wanted a baby. I wouldn’t mind having an older child now. I just wanted to experience raising a child from birth. I didn’t want to give birth to them. Vanessa wanted to be pregnant. But, I never had the desire.

We finally decided that if this didn’t happen by the time we turn 45 — we were soon to be 44 — we should stop. We thought, “If we don’t have children, what are we going to do? What else do we want out of life?” The answer was, “Let’s travel or maybe get a second home somewhere. Let’s have a different life than we planned. We’re just going to be these amazing aunts to our nephews and nieces. We’ll spoil them and just be and do other things.” That was our mindset because it was so hard to wait, so hard to hear nothing and we couldn’t control it.

Starting to think about what else was going to happen in life and knowing there would be an end to this wait, whether we got a baby or not, that helped us get through it. There’s going to be an end. Picking your end time helps you let go a little bit. That was V. She encouraged it. She said, “I need an end to this.”

I remember it was February once again because we were coming up on needing to renew our homestudy and I had scheduled a doctor’s appointment — something required for the homestudy paperwork — on Valentine’s Day. The social worker called right before I was leaving work and I assumed she was calling because our paperwork was due. I thought I would just let her know my doctor’s appointment is scheduled for the 14th. But she wasn't calling for our paperwork, she was calling because there was a baby that was not born yet and the birth family had picked us.

We thought it was the same ol’, same ol’ of going up against other families, go through the process, and then get let down. The social worker said, “So are you interested in this case?” “We said yes, we are interested. Put us in the mix.” And she said, “Oh no, no, no. They picked you. You're not competing against anyone. If you want this child, it’s yours.” We couldn’t even express anything. It was just beyond.

The agency had already done some work and coincidentally it was Planned Parenthood that was doing the adoption plan for the birth mother. They reached out to our agency looking for a certain criteria of people.  Early on, the adoption agency had told us that usually the thing that you think is going to hold you back is the thing that thrusts you forward. This birth mother, a young woman who went to incredible lengths to never miss a prenatal appointment, asked for a same-sex couple with one stay at home parent. The fact that we were same sex is why we have our son. I was never too worried that being a same sex couple would hinder our adoption but it was interesting that what the agency had told us was the truth.

Throughout the process, people just went above and beyond for us in thoughtful ways that we never would have known we needed. Our church, our family, our friends … even my accountant, Quinn, who had become my friend over the years. When we got word about our son, I called Quinn only because I didn't know when I was going to be back and I wanted him to know why. I didn't want a lot of people to know yet because there was a chance that that the birth mother could change her mind so we might've returned without a baby.

Even if we did get him, we knew that we couldn't cross state lines with Theodore because when the birth happens in a state other than where you live, you’ll be there until you’re released from that state and accepted into your homestate with a baby that is not yet legally yours. Here we are about to be first time parents and already knew we were going to be out of our entire comfort zone. We just wanted go home with him because home is where our relatives are and they could help out.

I tell this to Quinn and he says to me, “So let me understand … you can go anywhere in the state but you can't cross the state line? It means you can come all the way to the city.” I said, “Well yeah.” and he goes “Then you and Vanessa need to come to our apartment in the city.” and I said “Oh Quinn. Absolutely not. We have an efficiency. We are okay.” It was in the middle of his busy time as an accountant in March. He goes, “You're not staying in a hotel with your baby for the first week. Come to our apartment and we will welcome you with open arms.” I said, “Quinn, thank you but we cannot do that.” I hung up and I’m getting ready to leave to go get our boy, well our child, we didn’t know yet it was a boy. And I get a phone call from Nina (Quinn’s wife). I pick up the phone and I say, “Hi this is X and all I hear on the other line is Nina’s voice saying, ‘I hear we're having a baby.’” meaning they expected us to be at their home. It was really comforting because Quinn had raised kids of his own and that gave us reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

When we eventually arrive with Theodore at their apartment, Nina & Quinn are both at work. They had left us the key. When we get in, we see that they had converted their entire office into this beautiful guest room. They made a changing table on their desks. They had a wrapped gift waiting for us. They did all this in 24 hours. Talk about rolling out the red carpet! They converted their city apartment for us and took care of us for that week in a way that just blew our minds.

Advice:  

Go with the flow. In other words, during the adoption process when you have something you have to do, do it. Then, during that waiting period try to forget about it a little bit. Now, that’s way easier said than done because you are on pins and needles with butterflies in your stomach while you’re waiting for something to happen and not doing other things in your life. But, find things in your life that you can enjoy during the wait and know that it will happen. Something will happen. You just have no control on when and know that’s the hard part you’ve got to get through.  

During our adoption information session, they brought in adoptive parents. It seemed like the people they brought in were people for whom adoption happened very quickly. So you know that there’s a chance that it could happen quickly. I remember this one woman within two months from the time she started, she had a baby. They said that’s not typical but you think, “Ooh … it’s possible though.” I guess I know why our agency never brought us in to talk during an information session given our four-year adoption experience! LOL.

People with my personality type like to be in control. You want to be able to do something to make it happen. But there’s nothing you can do. Just let it happen because you can’t control it. Enjoy the journey. Enjoy the unknown … even though that‘s a horrible thing to say to someone going through this experience. Now that we have Theodore, we love the story. We look at him and think every step of that journey brought us to him and him to us. If any step went differently, we wouldn’t have him. In retrospect, you can look back very easily and see this to be true. But if you can know going through it that everything you’re doing is going to ultimately get you to this amazing place, you can enjoy the journey.

Vanessa’s Story

The whole experience made us closer. It’s such a big decision in the first place to say to each other “Hey, let’s become parents!” We went through a lot of frustrations together trying to have a child but we also just lived our day to day.

You know a little of the background from listening to Cate tell our story. I knew I didn’t want to take that next step after IUI. If I remember correctly, we only tried IUI six times and then we took a small break. I didn't want to pursue any further medicinal intervention. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with more intervention, it was just my own personal feelings. We had already discussed adoption. We did our due diligence to find the Hampton-Xavier agency. We had gotten not such good vibes from some other agencies. At Hampton-Xavier, they were inclusive to our situation as a same sex couple and we just fell in love with them. We were pleased and lucky with the social workers we had. You have to be comfortable with the people who are helping you.

I think the hardest part about that whole adoption process was waiting for the phone to ring. They would give you a 70+ page packet and they had a specific deadline for it. You're working on it, hand it in and it's just … you don't hear anything and then you get the next packet. It’s not like you’re getting one call a week. You just never know when you’re going to get these phone calls. You’re hoping the phone rings yet there are gaps when you simply don’t hear anything.

Our longest gap was 12 months of radio silence and that was when I thought, “How long do I actually want to put myself through this?” Cate could probably have held out forever. For me, whose role was being a stay at home mom, I just couldn’t feel like I was sitting around forever. I was preoccupied for most of the year but January, February, March, those were the worst, longest three months ever.

When the phone did ring, there was the high of knowing someone had thought of us. Then of course, there was the low of not having been chosen or having to say “No”. For me, receiving the “No” was harder. But, there also is a part of you that breaks for that child and their situation when you have to say “No”. It’s difficult to be honest with yourself and say, “I don’t think we should do this.” It was incredibly hard to do. On the other hand, receiving the “No” when you're a runner up in what feels like a contest? That really hit.

The toughest part for me was when it got to a point where I had to actually draw a line in my mind. We were 43 at the time and felt if it didn't happen by the time we were 45, we needed to re-focus, maybe travel, take our mind off of having a child and redirect ourselves.

All four of our initial calls were for girls. But I had always longed for a little boy. I would say I secretly longed for a boy but Cate would say there was nothing “secret” about it! LOL. One day, I turned to Cate and I had said if we don’t adopt by the time we are 45 we should pursue other things. But then we got the call about Theodore in early February, and he was born on March 17th. He was our St. Paddy’s Day baby. We left the hospital with him on my 44th birthday.

This next part of the story though is really our entire story. Right before we heard about Theodore, we were hitting our 10-year anniversary of being together in January of 2015. I say to Cate, “Look we always said we would get married if we got a child. It’s now legal for us to get married. No kid is coming. Let’s get married. Let's just do it!” So, we spent our 10-year anniversary weekend looking at wedding venues. A few weeks went by and we decided to book one for September. Then a few more weeks went by and we got THE phone call about T. All of this starts to happen and we completely forget about the wedding until July. Then suddenly, we started panicking and said, “Oh my God! We have a wedding in eight weeks!” LOL.

Our entire professional women’s networking group pulled off the whole celebration. Penny did the invitations, the favors, and the wine bottles. Zahara did the wedding ceremony. Sarah did the flowers. Osy dressed us. It all worked out in the most perfect way. We say in retrospect, “See, it just took planning a wedding to get our child.” We still just glow thinking about how Theodore was actually part of our wedding. We jokingly call it a shotgun wedding. LOL.

Advice:

Enjoy the moment and the journey and realize that it’s totally hard to follow this advice in the moment.

When you cross over to adoption, you open up this entire world that you might not have been attuned to. It was amazing to learn how many people have their own adoption story and how often it comes up in conversation. I was at the grocery store around the holidays and this woman I know who works there, she stepped in as the cashier that day. We were chatting as she’s ringing me up. She said something like “How old is your son?” I said, “Oh, he’s 4.” somehow it came up that he was adopted. Then she exclaimed, “I’m adopted!” It just never would’ve come out if our IUI attempts had worked out for us. A relationship, which had come out of simple common courtesy at a supermarket, became a much deeper connection simply because we were open to adoption after IUI had failed.

I always think of something my father told me during Theodore’s time with us. There’s not a day that goes by that you don’t worry about how you’re raising your child. But he said that when we go to judge how we raised Theodore, we’re not going to see it so much now but rather when Theodore has kids. We will see the fruit of our labor when we see how he raises his kids.

Honestly, we were not thinking this would be our only child. We wanted to have more children but we didn’t realize it was going to take quite as long as it took and by the time we were ready to do another we were already so old. “Now what do we do? It took five years that time!” LOL. We’re just so happy to have Theodore.